year24

After waking up much earlier than I want to on my day off, (has anyone else noticed that working out and eating healthy is making it extremely difficult to oversleep?  Which I guess is a good thing…) I was lying in bed telling myself that today has the potential to be a very productive day.  I feel a little rejuvenated after a few days of absolutely no motivation to do anything but lay down and zone out, and I was laying there with a little voice saying, “I feel like I could try again today.”  But then I started thinking, that is kind of a weak voice, probably not enough to get me through today without wanting to give up again.  Maybe I would rather not start than have my heart break halfway through? 

 And THEN…right when I was thinking that…I got a booster note from Mandy that said “Courage doesn’t always roar.  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.”  After reading that, I knew that that “little voice” was enough reason to get started, regardless of the result.  Because sometimes life feels alot like learning to run again after getting out of shape.  You run for as long as you can, walk till you catch your breath, listen for the voice saying “I think I can try again,” and start moving.  And after awhile, you can run for longer without having to walk, and pretty soon you realize that not only are the houses flying by you, but you feel GREAT doing it : ) 

Thanks Mandy!

I’ve been overexercising.  I was finding comfort in having something to do.  It was an escape for a few weeks for me.  But lately I’ve been feeling exhausted during my workouts and my body has been so tired.  I don’t look forward to it anymore.  I work out six days a week.  Weight training three times a week with a little over an hour of cardio.  The other three days I do a little over an hour of cardio and then I go running.  It ends up being over two hours of working out 6 days a week.  And it was fine when I was enjoying it.  But I’m not any longer.  And my body is beginning to feel the wear. 

But I’ve been scared to stop.  It’s like, I knew as long as I was burning 1000+ calories at the gym 6 days a week, there was no way I could gain weight, especially only eating 1500 calories a day.  I want to cut out 30 minutes of cardio.  So that would mean 3 days a week I would do weight training, then 30 minutes of cardio.  The other three days I would do 30 minutes of cardio and then go running.  Or maybe still do an hour of cardio but a lower impact class or something.  (When I workout, I workout really really hard).  I know that what I am doing right now isn’t the best for my body.  It just makes me feel so secure.  Whenever I think about stopping I feel like I would be accepting the fact that I would end up gaining about a pound a week for as long as I allowed myself to be “lazy.”  But I know that thoughts like this are ridiculous.  There is no need to exercise for two plus hours a day.  It’s not good for you. 

After reading Kerstin’s blog I feel like I might have gained the courage to stop.  I don’t want to be obsessive or an exercise bulemic.  I am just going to have to keep repeating to myself positive reinforcement.  “Exercising less is the better choice for my body.  I will still lose weight.  I am making the right choice.  I am not being lazy.  I am being healthy.”  *sigh* any advice?

So by the time I finished the last post I was crying.  And then…I just stopped.  And I realized that more than not having the energy left to keep fighting, I don’t have any energy left to keep crying.  So I am getting up and getting in the shower to get ready for work.  Because what else is there to do but keep going?  Nothing.  So here I go…

Ironically, as I am writing this, it is pouring. 

So…the last few weeks/year have been pretty trying. 

I was supposed to graduate in May but it turns out I am short one elective.  When I only took three classes my last semester after paying for four.  A plan that I’ve confirmed every semester with my advisor for the last 2 1/2 years after transferring there.  Okay…one more class, I have no idea where the hell I am going to come up with $750 after working my butt off to afford college in the first place but whatever, I’ll find it, it just might take me a little bit.

Awesome! I got promoted in May.  With a much needed raise in the works because I am officially out of savings and am broke.  Unfortunately, it is two days till September and every two weeks I am STILL getting ”the raise will show up in your next paycheck.” Okay…I’ve been busting my *ss for you all summer but I’ll hang in there.  

I got dumped a few weeks ago, leaving me alone across the country from everyone I know with one or two friends at best.  Heartbroken? Okay, I’ll get over it.  Lonely? Okay, I’ll deal with it.  Bored and without plans for the weekend?  Okay, fine, more time for the gym. 

Maybe I’ll just move back home…five years is a long time to be on your own when you are young.  But omg, apparently the house I moved into a year ago is plagued with bed bugs.  And the exterminator is saying “you can’t go anywhere unless you want to bring the problem with you.” So my landlord isn’t into chemicals and may or may not go through with the extermination?  Okay…well fine, I’ll stay in Mass, if I can’t be happy here, I can’t be happy anywhere right?

Just keep your head down, get through it, focus on work and working out.  “Your brakes are shot.  You can’t drive that car anywhere…and it’ll be $1300 to fix it.”  Omggg, well whatever, FINE, TAKE MY CAR TOO!! TAKE IT ALL!  A comment that was apparently taken seriously because when I woke up this morning I found that my buddy slim food journal has been erased. 

I’m so sorry for all the complaining.  I know the majority of people on this planet are dealing with ten times worse.  I have just been trying SO HARD to “keep pushing through it” and put a smile on my face and accept that THIS is LIFE.  And I have been so proud of myself these last couple weeks for being a “big girl” and facing all this and not letting it break me completely.  But I’m crashing again.  And I knew this would come but it never makes it any easier.  I am just so alone in all this, I don’t have anyone you know?  And I have been feeding off of this me-against-the-world mentality and looking at life like its a war and not letting it beat me but I woke up at 4:30 in the morning feeling like i just dont have it in me anymore and finally got back to sleep in hopes that I would be okay in the morning.  But morning is here and I am still so exhausted and I’m sorry for pouring it all out here but I just can’t hold it in anymore

148!!!!! Whoooo!!! So psyched!  I’m going to relish while I can because I’m pretty sure this concludes my big loss following the monthly (totaling four pounds!).  Maaaaybe I can squeak out one more pound but I’m not going to expect anything.  I am grateful for the progress that I’ve already made, and I can be patient : ) So it might be awhile before I see another loss but that’s perfectly fine with me.  That’s PERFECTLY FINE WITH ME.  (Haha, sorry, I’m doing that thing where you repeat something to ingrain, engrain? it in your head.)  Well, I’m going to celebrate now by getting ready for the gym and finding out what the rest of you have been up to.  Happy weight loss!!

Another pound down!! I am seriously psyched about this one because it tipped me over (under?) into the 140s and I hit my mini goal of 149!  I reset my mini goal at 144 because I look forward to making it over the humps to a new 5 pound range.  I’ve so been looking forward to the 140s that now that I am here I feel like the rush is over.  Not over as in now I’m ready to give up, but over as in now I can relax mentally a little bit.  I think I’ve done a pretty good job this time around not stressing about the weight loss but the “I just want to be in the 140s NOW” voice was always ringing in the back of my head.  Soon to be replaced with the “I just want to be in the lower 140s NOW” I’m sure : )

Anyway, I’m just blabbing away now.  I have the day off with nothing but a big laundry list of things to get done ahead of me, nothing fun planned : (  But I am trying to tell myself that if I get all this stuff done, when fun things to do come back around my way I’ll have even more fun knowing all this stuff is done! Hope you all are doing well.  I will probably be checking back in between errands in an effort to prevent boredom eating.  See you soon!

Thanks to everyone for supporting my post from yesterday.  I started getting worried that maybe I was just lying to myself but all your comments pushed me back into reality and then I knew 100% that my attitude was on the right track.  And guess what?  This morning the scale decided to follow suit…I lost two pounds : )  Thank you everyone for all your support!!!

This morning was my long awaited big reveal after the body issues associated with that time of the month finally subsided.  I was pysched to see a big loss and so you can imagine how disappointed I was when the number was exactly the same…I shook it off, got dressed for the gym and was fighting for motivation when I suddenly realized that I had gone from being completely inactive to spending two hours a day at the gym, six days a week.  I can run without getting phased.  I can bike up hills instead of having to get off and walk up.  My “fat” clothes are falling off me and I can slip easily into outfits I wouldn’t have even bothered trying on a month ago.  I walk around with confidence, not having to make sure something is tucked in or sucked in.  Everyday I see a smaller and more defined body in the mirror.  And my dates can’t even finish saying hello before choking out a “wow you look really good” in the middle of it : )

I feel awesome, and in shape and I can see improvements in my body from all my hard work, every day.  I eat healthy and I don’t overeat.  I’ve stuck to my diet and have been hitting all my workouts.  I’m following all the rules.  I’d love for the scale to reflect that, and maybe eventually it will.  In the meantime, for the FIRST TIME, I am going to say forget the scale, I LOVE MY NEW BODY!

Yesterday’s workout was awesome!  We started off biking the 8 miles to Walden Pond at about 10:30 in the morning and got back at about 3:30.  I was pretty ready to sit around for awhile when I got home so I did and then I headed out to the gym for a workout on one of the cardio machines and then a run on the treadmill. 

Today is my rest day.  I had a good day at work and the restaurant was so slow that I got cut early.  I took care of some car stuff and ate some dinner and I’ve been relaxing for a little.  I can feel boredom start to slowly creep in : (  I feel like I’ve eaten alot today but I still have some room for some more calories before I hit 1500.  My plans dont start till laaaaaater and I’m blogging in an effort to stay out of the fridge : ) Wish me luck!!

Today I have a big calorie burning day ahead!  In about ten minutes I am going to leave to meet a friend for an 8 mile bike ride up to Walden Pond (haha yes *the* Walden Pond for those of you who had to read that in highschool or college) for lunch and a hike, then the 8 mile ride back.  Then it will be time for my big cardio day at the gym, 30 minutes on the cybex, 33 minutes on the precor and capped off with a nice run!

Hope you all are doing well! I made the mistake of getting on the scale during the period this morning and was soooo not happy with the number I saw.  That’s why I try not to weigh myself while I am on it because it happens everytime and I get upset, then in a few days I bounce back with a big loss.  Afterwards I tried on a bunch of clothes from last summer that fiiiiiiiiiiiiit, yaaaaaay! And I know I’ve been doing everything right so the scale can just suck it right now! Haha….right? : (